Friday, August 20, 2010

The Year 2210; Speech by the Republican President of the United States of America

My fellow Americans! I am proud to tell you that our colonization of the moon has been successful thanks to the wonderful corporations that assisted us in wiping out the natives! Now that we have succeeded in introducing oxygen and plant life on the moon, we can start letting the general public come and take advantage of the super-luxury apartments with TouchWall ™ technology that Microsoft in conjunction with Intel is offering. The apartments are housed in compounds protecting us from terrorists by XE (formerly known as Blackwater) Security.

Investment into new places to live provides us with unprecedented opportunities and access to a whole new set of resources. The United States of America now owns the Moon and will expect foreign states to pay us for the resources they utilize from us such as moon-light. We will be introducing the “Moon-Light Trade Treaty” at the headquarters of the World Trade Organization to set a standard rate of 35% of each state’s GDP to continue to use US assets. China and Iran have stated that they will not be joining the “Moon-Light Trade Treaty” so America has no choice but to impose economic sanctions on these rogue states.

Unfortunately, today we live in a world of uncertainly and doubt. Due to the terrorist threat on the moon, income tax will be raised by 40% to pay the good people of XE to keep us safe and the Microsoft to keep us connected. This applies to all citizens, on Earth and Abroad.

Now, there is huge controversy going on regarding the building of a Mosque near the artificial oasis we created in sector G13 on the dark side of the Moon. Regardless of the number of Churches, Wiccan Temples, and Synagogues built around that site, I feel that letting a mosque be built on the moon will encourage people like Usama Bin Ladin (even if he has been dead for the better part of a century). America is a state of religious tolerance and freedom. Therefore, to protect that freedom, to stop something like 9/11 from ever happening again, we cannot let the mosque be built. Thank you my fellow Americans and God Bless!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Time to change the way we fight the war on terror?

With bombings on a daily basis, it is clear that the American, Afghani and Pakistani policy of eradicating terrorism has not worked. Militants (be they Taliban, Al Qaida, LeT or Jundullah) seem very apt at retaliating state aggression with explosions and taking innocent lives with them in the process. As in the previous entry, a suggestion regarding how to handle terrorism needs to be made. It seems that taking away their future ranks may not be enough; we need to do something to protect the people from the militants of today. Pakistan can try a new innovative strategy. Seeing how conventional methods have not met with much success, a complete overhaul might just provide the assistance we need to beat militancy. If these radical measures work, we can recommend them to the American and Afghani governments and even NATO.

As we have done before, we should try making deals with individuals in the banned militant outfits to neutralize the terrorist threat. However, unlike the earthly deals that the army, intelligence agencies and politicians have made so far, we need to make heavenly deals in the same way that Al Zahwari and Mullah Omar’s people do. Perhaps General Kiyani could try to lure the terrorists to play for the right team. “Hey you! Yes you in the turban and the wispy beard! Are you an Al Qaida member? Excellent! Boy have I got a deal for you! What’s Usama offering you? 72 virgins? That’s it? He couldn’t do better than that? Look, I’ve got a better offer for you… work for me and I’ll make sure when you die, you get 74 virgins, and I’ll even throw in 20 sloppy seconds!”

People like Faisal Shehzad (the New York City would be bomber) might not be as easily hoodwinked though. For them, a more subtle approach might be better. Send a British Old Labour Party worker to go visit him. The two can start to bond over how evil the capitalist system is, how the economic decline that resulted in Mr. Shehzad’s home foreclosure was a result of the evil capitalism loving God fearing right-wingers and the only way to deal with such issues is to become a left wing American Democrat and get your views across. Better yet, make Mr Shehzad a sob story on on of Micheal Moore's documentaries about the evils of capitalism and the current political setup in America.Of course, someone of Faisal Shehzad’s ethnicity may never progress in American politics but at least he won’t have his head filled with thoughts of declaring war on a sovereign state and then try to blow up Times New Square.

Pakistan needs to start thinking “outside the box” to come up with a way to battle this menace. The time for conventional war is over and we have seen it fail. Madrassas and training camps are beginning to mushroom all over the country and the state has been unable to do much to stop it. While these may seem to be drastic measures, ones that might be met with scorn and ridicule, they certainly do seem to be worth a try seeing that everything else General Kiyani and (previously) Musharraf tried has failed.